Pride and Prejudice vs314
by the dread pirate buttercup
Summary: A short-ish adaption of a little known work. To be taken very seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: This is a short adaption of a little known work, to be taken very seriously. All characters (especially Darcy) are the playthings of the author, and contradiction to this will result in punishment with rope and teaspoons. Reviews are welcome. If you are interested in developing and performing the work on the stage (nudge nugde wink wink RSC) feel free to contact the author to discuss details on royalty payments, champagne and a nice holiday villa in Italy. I have already adapted a script in anticipation.**

Mrs Bennet entered Mr Bennet's study, where he was sitting reading a newspaper.

"Guess what!"

"Lydia has learnt to read?"

"No! Of course not. Mr Bingley has moved to Netherfield."

"So what?"

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife!"

"You read too many period romance novels for your own good."

"You must visit him!"

"Why?"

"So he can marry our daughters!"

"Polygamy's illegal"

"Unfortunate but true. He can marry Jane then."

"Not going"

"WHAT!"

"If he's marrying Jane, it's she he wants to see."

"Stop being silly."

"Not being silly"

"Are so"

"Am not"

"Go then!"

"No"

Mr and Mrs Bennet continued their daily routine in much their usual fashion, although most of their conversation consisted of begging, verbal abuse and flat denial.

"Pleeeeeeeeease."

"No!"

"You must go, or you'll die and then I'll have to live in a hovel with the girls, and then they'll NEVER marry! We shall live off out-of-date cream crackers that the Lucus' throw our way. They will bring deck chairs and sit outside our hovel and laugh at us! HOW CAN YOU SUBJECT US SO MR BENNET!"

"Not going"

Eventually, Mrs Bennet gave up. Mr Bennet considered this as a win and marked it on the scoreboard. Each month they began afresh and so far Mr Bennet was winning 161 to 157. Lower than average for day six, but that was due to the fact that their latest disagreement had been extended over an unusually long period.

Unfortunately, Mrs Bennet's defeat was not much kinder on the ears than her defence.

"WE ARE ALL DOOMED GIRLS. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW."

Instead of responding to her mother's outcry of despair, Kitty turned to her sister and appraised the bonnet she was re-decorating for the upcoming Meryton assembly.

"Nice hat Liz."

"Thanks. Like yours too. Dontcha fink the 'B's in little love hearts is a little strong though?"

"Nah. Mr Bingley is a man. They can't see subtle things."

Mrs Bennet, twitching at the mention of Mr Bingley, cried "I wish Mr Bingley had never come. Then I wouldn't feel like hiding in a cave and wringing all the moisture out of my body through my eyes."

Mr Bennet walked into the parlour where the ladies were seated in time to hear his wife's last declaration, to which he replied "Fiddlesticks. If I knew you hated him that much I'd never have gone to visit him. Never mind."

"WHAT!"


	2. Chapter 2

The Meryton assembly was fully underway. Mr Bingley, much to the delight of almost everyone, was dancing with Jane. Mr Darcy was standing to the side in a very bad mood, and Elizabeth was seated behind him, saying the alphabet backwards in a failing attempt to amuse herself. Mr Bingley joined his friend briefly.

"Come on Darce! You look like you don't want to be here!"

"Fancy that."

"If you don't dance you'll give the wrong impression. Everyone will think you're a stuck up prig."

"Well, I would hate to fool anyone."

"So you'll dance?"

"No."

"But they're all so pretty!"

"No they're not. Your partner's ok, but she smiles like she's had botox i.e. all the time"

Bingley leant in and in a conspiratorial whisper, "You must promise not to tell, but I have sussed her out. She is an angel undercover!" Despite his apparent belief for secrecy, Elizabeth could still hear every word he said.

"Of course" was Darcy's reply.

"But there are lots of other pretty ladies here you could dance with. I'm sure Miss Bennet would introduce you to her "sister", there, behind you."

"If she's so ugly no-one else will dance with her, what in heaven or on Earth makes you think I am going to?"

"Fine then. Speaking of heaven, I will go back and enjoy Jane's smiles, like you suggested."

"I didn't"

"Ah, but you were going to; for I feel that I am in a romantic novel, and that is exactly the sort of thing a sour puss like you would say."


	3. Chapter 3

Over the course of the following few weeks, the males of the species begin, at first shyly, an elaborate courtship display unique to the species. Even the males not in season cannot help but be drawn into the fray. We will refer to the case of a young male, who has a significant territory on the island, but as of yet has seemed unmoved by any of the flittering females. Still, the social behaviour of the group will not allow him to act in this manner for long…

Sir William was standing at the edge of his parlour, enjoying watching the young people dance. Sir William was a friendly sort of chap, if inclined to make a bit of a fool of himself. We all have our own quirks and inconsistencies, but Sir William was certainly not inconstant in his desire to spread the virtues of the bicycle far and near. He wished everyone would ride them, and even bought several for what he described as 'public use' during his mayoralty. For the most part, they sat tied to their post, waiting in vain for someone to use them. They became one of the key tourist attractions of Meryton, and were affectionately known as Billy bikes, in honour of their patron. But I digress…

Sir William, as I have mentioned, was standing at the edge of his parlour, and found that Mr Darcy too was occupied in the same pastime. He approached him and entered into what could loosly be called a conversation.

"Mr Darcy, old bean! You cannot argue that it is truly spiffing stuff, what with all this dancing."

"Spiffing indeed."

Elizabeth Bennet chose this particular moment to walk by. Two pairs of eyes followed her, but only one were aware they were doing it.

"I say! Miss Bennet! Miss Bennet!" Sir William cried, gesturing exuberantly for her to come hither. Reluctantly, for she had no wish to sniffed at by one, nor be told once again all the virtues of the bicycle by the other, approached the two gentlemen.

"Miss Bennet. What say you to dancing with this most illustrious gentleman? You are such a very fine looking lady that I sure he can have no objections."

Elizabeth was surprised by the notion, not least because it was entirely non-bicycle-related.

"Ah, but I don't feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today."

Sir William expelled a small chuckle at this reply, and nudged Darcy in the ribs good-humouredly causing the latter to wince.

"And witty as well! How's a man to resist a lady who quotes Scissor Sisters at him?"

"I could dance with you, I guess" was Darcy's only response.

"Not if I say no. Goodbye gentlemen."

And Elizabeth left.

Sir William was soon replaced by Miss Bingley, whose company Darcy only found slightly superior.

"I have made an astonishing and hitherto undiscovered discovery!"

"..."

"I can read minds!"

"..."

"You, for example," and she stared at him intently with her fingers pressed to her temples "are thinking this is a party so awful that enduring such events should be listed alongside jury service as socially expected but a terrific bore."

Darcy wasn't sure whether she was in jest, or whether she truly believed in her 'hitherto undiscovered discovery'. He sincerely hoped she was not in earnest.

"You're wrong. I was actually enjoying myself. I may on further analysis have been… happy(?)"

"THAT was your happy face?"

"..."

"And what here made you so incandescently happy?"

"The rather fine ocular faculties of a pretty woman" he replied, wondering whether it was wise to follow this thread of conversation. Miss Bingley was frowning as she interpreted what he said, and then started staring at him. **Her** ocular faculties were so wide Darcy feared they would fall out.

"You needn't be so coy. I really have no qualms with you addressing praise directly at me. I have always thought my 'ocular faculties' have a certain je ne sais quoi."

"Yes you have voiced your admiration for them numerous times, but I was admiring Miss Elizabeth Bennet's."

":O"

"…"

"But you can't marry her! **I'M** going to marry you!"

"Marriage? Who mentioned marriage? Are you clear on what ocular faculties are, Miss Bingley? They are, I assure you, not related to matrimony in the slightest."


	4. Chapter 4

The days continued to pass, as they are inclined to do. We join the Bennet family once again, taking their midday repast at their family home of Longbourne.

"You have post, Jane dear…" said her mother.

"How lovely"

"…from Netherfield."

"How wonderful" Jane took her mother's hinting expression and opened it at the table. "Miss Bingley, the dear thing, has invited me for dinner. Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard?"

"Is Mr Bingley going to be there?"

"No, the gentlemen are dining with the officers"

"Hmmmmmm"

It would be no surprise to those that knew her (except Jane) that Mrs Bennet would deliberately throw her child out into the freezing rain in order to make her ill, if the ultimate predicted outcome was to win the said unfortunate child a husband. Some members of the Meryton WI often debated amongst themselves if there was anything that lady **wouldn't** do if the gentleman was good enough, but they never came to any satisfactory conclusions on that score.

Therefore on the following morning, breakfast was much the same as the day before, bar the absence of Jane.

"You have post, Lizzie" said her mother.

"Post?"

She was ignored, but, despite the lack of her mother's hinting expression, opened it at the table. She could see herself that it was from Netherfield.

"Jane's ill, and stuck at Netherfield. I'd better go and rescue her."

"Wha-?"

But Lizzie had already gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Elizabeth entered the Netherfeild breakfast room, where all the principle members of the household were assembled. Elizabeth noted that Mr Darcy ate coco-pops, which surprised her. She noted Miss Bingley ate Special K, which did not.*

"I have come to save Jane."

"Thank goodness!" cried Bingley. "She's upstairs; allow me to show you the way."

After Elizabeth and her brother left, Miss Bingley observed with the utmost delicacy, "She looked like she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards."

There was an awkward pause, filled only with the sound of Mr Hurst inhaling his fry-up.

"Ah!"

Mr Darcy looked at Miss Bingley in vague concern.

"I see!"

…

"I quite agree with you Mr Darcy."

"?"

"I was reading your mind again, Mr Darcy."

"Pray tell, what was I thinking now? Do enlighten me."

"Miss Bennet's ocular faculties are not so charming now she has tramped her away across the countryside."

"You're mistaken. Did you not notice how they sparkled as if she were wearing two diamond studded eye patches?"

"Quite! Eye patches are not fashionable in London at all this winter!"

(For those interested; Mr Bingley had had toast and marmite, but he had finished it by the time Elizabeth had arrived, and was instead wondering what Jane liked to have for breakfast. Elizabeth knew none of this, and so we will never know whether his breakfast preferences would have surprised her.)


	6. Chapter 6

That evening, all those that were well enough were assembled in the drawing room. Miss Bingley attempted to entertain Mr Darcy with conversation, but he found his book much more interesting than anything she had to say (which is saying something, given that his book was the Oxford English dictionary, volume A-G). Tiring of her fruitless attempts, Miss Bingley instead picked up the second volume (H-N). Elizabeth noted with a small smile that her progress must be somewhat limited, due to the fact that Miss Bingley's chosen work of literature was upside down.

After a while, by which time Mr Darcy had reached 'aftershave', Miss Bingley yawned. Elizabeth thought it a pity that she probably hadn't reached melodramatic.

"There is no better way to spend an evening than reading a good book. It is an excellent way to prepare for sleep." She yawned again.

"I was under the impression that a bad book sent one to sleep. That's why I keep my A-level stats text book in the medicine cabinet next to the calpol. Great cure for insomnia." Said Elizabeth, who herself had been reading 'A women's guide to leading an interesting life in the 18th century, without ending up hanged or broke'.

"You did A-level stats?" asked Mr Darcy, surprised.

"Only to AS. I realised my mistake and dropped it after one year. I carried on with the other three though."

"You took three A-levels?" gasped a horrified Miss Bingley.

"Yeeeees…" drew out Elizabeth, unsure whether her crime was only taking three A-levels, or taking A-levels at all. "That's the usual number…"

"I hope General Studies was one of them. Otherwise your education must have been terribly narrow. Imagine, only three subjects!"

"No, General Studies was not one of them," Sighed Elizabeth "but if it's any consolation, I would have taken the IB if they'd offered it."

Miss Bingley didn't hear, because Mr Darcy was speaking, and therefore everything else no longer mattered.

"How are girls meant to do anything these days, if they leave school at eighteen with just three accomplishments?"

"If three A-levels does not count as reasonably accomplished at eighteen, what does?" wondered Elizabeth aloud.

"Oh!" cried Miss Bingley "It is imperative that a young lady can walk in six inch heels, dance, sing, fit into a size 8 (maximum), speak English, and be able to swear in several eastern European languages, and despite all this not have the air of a condescending bitch."

Mr Darcy, perhaps unhappy with this assessment of women kind, added meaningfully "she must also have some kind of substance to her, and prove she has the existence of something resembling a brain."

Miss Bingley, failing to understand the meaning of the hint, just agreed with cringe-worthy rapidity. Shortly after this, everyone retired to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

The following morning Jane was not much better. Although she refused Mr Bingley's offer of sending to London for a doctor, Elizabeth wished her mother to visit to ascertain her own opinion on the situation. Mr Jones, a man likely to actually have an informed opinion on the matter, was also sent for. So it came to pass that all five Bennet daughters and their mother were to be found at Netherfield on that particular morning.

"Oh Mr Bingley!" cried Mrs Bennet "It is worse than even **I** feared!" She waved her hands in front of her eyes as she welled up. "No matter how much I desire it, Mr Jones says the Jane simply cannot be moved!"

"I would not think of it madam!"

"Oh Mr Bingley. You are too kind!"

Mrs Bennet was so overcome with this piece of good news, that she was quite unable to speak for several minutes, allowing ample time for the next Bennet assault on Mr Bingley's goodness, courtesy of Lydia and Kitty (though mainly Lydia).

"Mr Bingley."

"Miss Lydia."

"When is your ball to be?"

"My ball?"

"Yes sir, your ball, for you must have one. How can you consider **not **having one, I ask?"

"I really don't know! What a capital idea!"

"Good. So when is it to be?"

"Perhaps," interrupted Elizabeth "Mr Bingley did not mean instantly, given that you have only just suggested it."

"And of course, we must wait until your sister is fully recovered." continued Bingley. "It would be insupportable to have a ball whilst she is ill." his eyes lingered on the patch of ceiling he fancied Jane was the other side of, a dream like expression in his face.

"Very well." sniffed Lydia "We will wait."

"And then," said Mr Bingley suddenly, after being nudged out of his daydream by his sister "you may name the very date."

This cheered Lydia up considerably, and the whole party left in tolerably good spirits in their carriage shortly after. Elizabeth went to bury her shame by tending to Jane, and Miss Bingley entertained herself by insulting the whole family group with Mr Darcy, even though he couldn't be persuaded to say anything derogatory about _her_.


	8. Chapter 8

That evening, when Elizabeth's cheeks had finally stopped glowing in embarrassment, she left Jane to join the others in the drawing room. Mr Darcy was writing a letter, and Miss Bingley was watching him. Although she did not particularly like Mr Darcy, Elizabeth had to admire his composure. _She_ would have smacked Miss Bingley in the face by now.

"You draw your 'g's with such elegance Mr Darcy."

"Thank you."

"I especially like that loopy bit underneath."

"I believe it is the standard way of drawing the letter."

"But your loopy bits are particularly graceful."

"…"

"Do tell dearest Georgiana that I simply cannot wait to see her…"

"I have."

"…and that I simply adored her gingerbread model of TowerBridge."

"I am afraid I have no room on this page to give you justice."

"No matter. I will see her soon I expect. But to have written so much already! You write so quickly!"

"I in fact write rather slowly." Mr Darcy then added; "The loops of g's cannot be hurried if they are to reach excellence." Elizabeth had to suppress a smirk at this, but feared she failed as Mr Darcy seemed to catch her eye briefly.

"Charles never takes any care over any of his letters. Anything that _is_ legible through his scrawl, is then thwarted by the blotting paper. No-one has any chance of reading anything he writes."

"Alas, it is true!" cried Bingley "But my ideas flow so readily from my head, my hand cannot keep up. I don't know how Darcy can conceive to write everything in iambic pentameter."

Conversation continued for a while, but of topics that Miss Bingley could not readily share in. Peeved at the growing amount of attention Mr Darcy was bestowing on Elizabeth, she asked Elizabeth to accompany her in a duet on the piano-forte. Although Elizabeth declined her offer, she encouraged her to play herself, and so conversation was for a time brought to an end.

Miss Bingley sat down and played several pieces of music, one of which was a recently mastered, complex arrangement of 'Every breath you take' by Sting and the Police.

But the gentleman at whom it had all been aimed (and whose actual opinion was that the song was nothing without a bass guitar) instead asked Elizabeth to join him in some interpretative dance.

Elizabeth did not immediately answer Darcy's request, causing him to repeat it.

"Forgive me sir. I heard you the first time, but was debating how I should answer. You wanted me, I know, to say 'yes', so that you might have the pleasure of seeing me making a fool out of myself. But I always delight in overthrowing these kinds of schemes, and cheating someone out of their premeditated contempt. I have therefore made up my mind to tell you, that I do not want to dance interpretatively or otherwise. Now despise me if you dare!"

"I do not dare! Even though I am quite sure you could never look a fool performing interpretative dance."

Elizabeth was surprised as his gallant response, having rather wished to scare him away and shut him up. She was not to know the her raised eyebrow and slight smirk were having quite the opposite effect. Still, she replied;

"Even Gandhi would look a fool performing interpretative dance in the drawing room of a country house. Ninety nine per cent of the population look foolish performing interpretative dance full stop. Especially to the Star Wars soundtrack." she added with a side glance to Miss Bingley, who had moved on to the said piece.

"Oh that's what it is!" cried Bingley, "I knew I recognised it."


	9. Chapter 9

Mr Darcy had been joined on his morning wander by Miss Bingley. After the usual observations on the colour of Miss Bingley's dress (which was lime green today), the weather, and Mr Darcy's health (fair to middling), Miss Bingley began thus;

"Now, my dear Mr Darcy, you simply must help me."

"In what way can I be of assistance, madam?"

"Well, I was standing in the greetings card shop on Meryton high street, and I simply could not decide which 'congratulations on your engagement' card to buy."

"Once again, in what way can I be of assistance?"

"Well, I didn't know if Miss Elizabeth and you would prefer one with love hearts on, or champagne, or teddy bears. If you like the singing ones, or the ones with badges, or a personalised one off the internet…"

"What are you talking of?"

"Engagment cards!"

"We're not engaged!"

"No, but I'm sure it's imminent, and I do like to be on top of these things."

"I said she had nice eyes! It does not mean that I want to marry her!"

"Nonsense. If you're serious, then the whole affair is quite settled."

Mr Darcy rolled his eyes and gave up. Miss Bingley continued on happily for half an hour before they ran across Mrs Hurst and Miss Elizabeth herself. The latter returned to the house, and he spent another ten minutes in uninspiring conversation with the ladies she'd abandoned him with.


	10. Chapter 10

That evening Jane felt well enough to come downstairs and sit awhile. Bingley made every conceivable effort (and even a few unconceivable ones) to make her comfortable, and Elizabeth was pleased. They all had a quick game of monopoly which Jane won, and then settled into a quiet evening of hushed chatter or reading. Elizabeth had brought down the puzzle section of The Times, and had meant to finish the prize crossword.

Her attention was soon awakened by Miss Bingley.

"Seriously Charles? A ball?"

"Yes Caroline, a ball."

"Here?"

"I had thought so, yes."

"Had it occurred to you that maybe not everybody _here_ wants one?"

"If you mean Darcy, then he can go to bed. But there will certainly be a ball. I am getting quite excited already!"

Elizabeth returned to her crossword. Presently Miss Bingley demanded her attention again, desperately trying to find something more interesting than '_Bridget Jones's Diary'_ to divert Mr Darcy's attention.

"Miss Bennet, would you like to walk in circles around this room with me? For it is a stupid exercise and I feel quite foolish doing it on my own."

"Err… if you really want… I guess." She was getting quite frustrated with 17 across, and felt that a break would do her good in any case.

Darcy put down his book, wondering if Miss Bingley's cheese had finally slid off its cracker.

"Mr Darcy! Would you like to join us?"

"No, for it is a stupid exercise, and I can think of only three reasons why you are doing so. All forbid me from joining you."

"What does he mean Miss Bennet?"

"He's not going to walk in pointless circles with us."

"But why?"

"Why on Earth should I know how that man's head works? But don't ask him his reasons, for that is exactly what he is trying to get us to do."

"Why not Mr Darcy?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

"You either patrol the room because you wish to talk privately, because you think it shows off your figure, or because you are completely idiotic and cannot conceive anything better to do than walk in circles around the room. If the first, you would not be in privacy, if the second, I can admire you better from here, and if the third, then I have no wish to associate with such fools."

"I think there was an insult in that." said Miss Bingley

"He must be punished, and as I did not bring the rope and teaspoons with me, we must resort to teasing. Tell of Mr Darcy's failings, Miss Bingley, and we shall laugh at them!" declared Elizabeth.

"But that is impossible Miss Bennet! Mr Darcy is practically perfect in every way!"

"That thought truly is hilarious Miss Bingley."

"I am not perfect. I am bad tempered and extremely proficient in the art of grudge-holding." Interjected he.

"I can hardly laugh at that Mr Darcy."

"I think everybody is prone to some fault or another."

"Yours is a determination to go through the world and hate every animal, vegetable and mineral in it."

"Yours is to wilfully misunderstand everyone."

"I want some music." declared Miss Bingley.

Mr Darcy was more attracted to Elizabeth than he liked to admit, and he wished her away. At first, he had enjoyed her company and the reactions of Miss Bingley in equal measure, but he soon realised that he might be paying Elizabeth a bit _too_ much attention, and Miss Bingley's teasing was wearing him down. In an effort to end anything he may have inadvertently started between Elizabeth and himself, he set himself the task of politely ignoring her for the remainder of her stay, and he stayed true to it. Unfortunately, no-one really noticed the difference. Elizabeth continued to dislike him, unaware that he had been admiring her in the first place, and Miss Bingley continued to tease, because it's better to be safe than sorry.

Therefore, it was a great relief to almost everybody, when Jane and Elizabeth eventually left on Sunday. Only Bingley was concerned to see them go, fearing Jane was not yet well enough to travel.


End file.
